Time flies. Days fade into the ones that follow. Weeks pile up. You don’t even know it, but it’s been a month. A year.
You don’t know much, you admit. You never really realised that you hadn’t done that one thing you were supposed to do so long ago. Not even now. Not even after so long. No, it never occurred to you that it’s been much too long since you last talked to that person you promised never to lose touch with. And, yet, as you look back now you still swear it hasn’t been that long. Your subjectivity’s deceiving you. So you let it go for the same amount of time, trying to strip yourself of responsibility. But then it comes back, as it always does. That feeling.
Why can’t you force yourself to do it? Why can’t you push yourself to make that call? Extend a hand back into the past, perhaps if only to say ‘Je me souviens’, as the French might choose? You don’t know why, but it keeps getting more difficult each day. Tedious. So what is that you do, in the end?
You while away the days, making small excuses. You say you will do it right after you get this thing right here done. But then, of course, something else follows it. And you put your little task off by five more minutes. Just five more minutes, you tell yourself. Every. Single. Time.
But unfortunately- just like you– the rest of the world is living too. Whether you like it or not, other people aren’t waiting for you to bring that sunshine you thought you brought into their lives. I hope that’s not what you’ve been telling yourself. No, they have stuff to do too- something that you might have forgotten in that deluge that swept all that you cared about away: self-importance, others call it. Of course, you disagree.
In spite of this, though, you can’t stop the questions. Why are you like this? Why is it so hard? Does the past really mean so little? Are the everyday things you excuse yourself with really all that important, so urging that you really can’t find the time to call back the people you love(d?) and tell them how you have– or else, ask them how they have- been?
Just like every other time, though: the answer is the same.
You don’t know.